When Loyalty Is Tested Over the Pettiest Thing

Lately, I’ve been learning that not everyone clapping for you is truly on your team. I had someone I called a friend tell me I’m “not a real friend” simply because one of her customers ended up in my livestream. That moment hurt more than I expected—because it wasn’t just about a livestream. It was about how eager people are to flip on you when they feel threatened by your glow.

Instead of spiraling, I sat down and wrote this journal prompt to process it. If you’ve ever felt betrayed over something small—if you’ve ever had your loyalty questioned by someone who should know your heart—I invite you to write with me:

"I am not fragile. I am powerful, and not everyone can handle that. But that is not my burden to carry."

✨ “When Loyalty Is Questioned”

  What did I feel in the exact moment my friend said I wasn’t a real friend?(Let yourself go deep here—anger, betrayal, confusion, sadness. Don’t hold back.)

I felt flattered because it was obvious she was insecure and jealous. But sad that another one bites the dust. Why is it that women fall out so easily? My first thought is always to pray. She suffered a concussion in a bad car accident recently. Obviously, her mental perception wasn’t the best as of lately. There were times in the past she suffered memory loss. So, I decided to pray for healing of her mind. I thought is she really in love with one of the playboy members? I didn’t think too highly of her, honestly. I thought she was overreacting

  What does real friendship mean to me—and how have I shown up with loyalty in this relationship?

            Although Kala and I didn’t have much in common other than being Playboy bunnies I still considered her a friend. No I didn’t like going out partying and drinking like she did I still appreciated her. She was sweet and pretty. She invited me out and I invited her out. (I’m more of an introvert so I only come out for the big things). We mostly talked on the phone. I would share my love for books and of course like all friendships we would talk about boys. But what is a real friendship to me? A friend that’s around for the ups and downs of life. (Life will always go up and down) A real friend doesn’t judge. Friends help each other and grow together. Accept each other. Friends share but maybe she didn’t want to share her customers. Then why ask to go live duet with me if it wasn’t to share our resources together? Because we were friends, I thought we were sharing. We even talked of opening a nonprofit together. How could we do that without sharing? Is she going to be jealous every time I get a little attention or an idea? The pattern of jealousy has revealed itself. It would be an occurring pattern. Have I shown up with loyalty in this relationship? I must confess loyalty to myself, and God is my number one priority. I’m on my own too often to be any other way, respectfully. All the things I’ve had to go through in life has made me that way.

noun

Plural loyalties.

1. the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.

Synonyms: constancy, devotion, fealty

3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like:

a man with fierce loyalties.

Now looking at this definition did I make a commitment to her to not share our resources or fanbase? Absolutely not. The whole point of collaborating is so we share our network and fanbase together. Did I steal her boyfriend? No. Did a playboy member enter my live yes. After a different member tipped me, I told her and said she should call him because I was sharing my resources. I believed that was our commitment to each other going live together so I in fact think I was loyal to her. She is in fact not being loyal to me by not wanting a customer to tip me if you ask me. I again look down on the fact that she’s caught feelings for a playboy member, that may be bitchy because love is blind? But I don’t know some people are lame.

  Am I being punished for something I didn’t actually do wrong—or for simply existing in my light?

            I definitely am being punished for my light per usual! Being jealous because I asked for a tip seems like you are against me. I think she overreacted, but she showed her true colors. Maybe she really is in love with that guy that she never met. Maybe I’m insensitive. But I indeed thought that was the point of going live together to share resources and fanbase. But that’s how I see it, a fanbase. Maybe she really is in love with this guy she never met. But I do date a different caliber of men. So maybe we just aren’t aligned for friendship because although I didn’t intentionally be disloyal to her, I feel this pattern of jealousy will grow because thats usually how it goes. Just because two girls are on the same platform doesn’t mean they need to be friends. Quite frankly I’ve accepted that I will never have girlfriends because it’s always someone trying to dim my light out of jealousy.

  If the roles were reversed, would I have turned on her so quickly? What does that reveal about our friendship dynamic?

            As I wrote earlier the roles were reversed and I most definitely told her to hop on a call with a playboy member after I just finished having a video chat with him. Because that’s what I think our loyalty is to each other. Help each other win. But I guess she had feelings for this particular member. I don’t think I’m in the wrong at all but I’m a very strong-minded woman. I in fact don’t know why people say Gemini’s switch up because once my mind is set its in fact set. I’m always a student of life but I’m not weak minded at all. I definitely like to be considerate of people’s emotions, but I definitely think she’s tripping. What does that mean about our friendship dynamic? That I can only be friends with girls as long as I dim my light? I can share my fanbase with you, but you can’t share your fanbase with me. Once again, another one-sided relationship in my life. Will I ever not meet a person that wants me to have the lesser? Probably not because people are out for themselves, so friendship is indeed a lie. Relationships are in fact a lie. Scam. Because men want me to have less and women want me to have less. That’s why I always have to be by myself. I only want friendships and people in my life that won’t breadcrumb me and if that means being by myself so be it. I’m the only person that has my back. I try to have peoples back and share my fanbase with her, but she can’t do the same. Because why? Because this one fan of hers is cute. Pathetic. He’s not her boyfriend, they’ve never met. They don’t even have each other’s phone number. He’s a guy that buys her nudes. Let’s be for real. As beautiful, charismatic young women our highest commodity is our presence and how we scale it. I helped her scale hers. She didn’t do the same for me. It’s not like I asked him for a private chat. Or told him never to tip her again.

  What part of me is hurt—and what part of me knows I deserve better?

            I’m only hurt a little because its an accumulation. Because it’s another jealous girl. Another girl I thought was a friend. Another reason why I’m on my own in life. Another person trying to make me out to be the bad guy. Another weird girl. I’m 31 years old on Tuesday and I still haven’t met my tribe. I still haven’t met people that genuinely ride for me the same way I ride for them. Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. Just more people jealous of me and instead of talking it out, listening to me, considering me, they rather ghost. Then bad mouth me as I’m sure she did because people will vent, as I’m doing with this journal prompt. I deserve better because I give better. I give her my fan base, but she can’t share hers. I clap for people, but they never clap for me. I get inspired by others and they get jealous and try to sabotage me in return.

  What boundaries do I want to set moving forward so that people don’t get easy access to my heart if they can’t hold it with care?

            I usually just cut people off and they do the same. Although moving forward I would like to have the opportunity to talk things out calmy before just cutting each other off. I very much value and respect open and honest communication.

  Who in my life has consistently shown me real support, and how can I pour into those connections instead?

            Consistent support comes from myself, God, and my mediate family. I pour into myself and God daily. I pour into my family daily but I can even do more and will.

  A closing affirmation: What truth do I need to say to myself right now that reminds me of my worth?

            I’m worth love and light even if no one sees it yet.

Many may not know, but I'm a writer. I am passionate about writing and journaling. While therapy isn't my preference, and I don't enjoy venting to others as much, I do recognize that every story has two sides. I honor her feelings and equally honor and validate my own. I've decided to share my journal prompt on my blog because art is a powerful healer. Art saves. Someone might read this and find it resonates with them, perhaps offering solace in not feeling alone for being marginalized for their brilliance, as I often feel. I hope this reaches those who need it. Maybe it's just for me.